Dan Bern - Most American Men

Like most American men
I'm a little messed up about sex
Does size really matter
Should I be checking out other guys
But if I do, does it mean I'm gay
Like when I went to Italy
And when to see the statue of David
Maybe I stared at it too long

And what about the size of breasts
Does size matter there
Do I really like a lot of silicone
Over and above a little milk
And while I'm on the subject of sex
What do I think about Viagra
Even though I seem to function really well there
Is it something that I ought to try
If everybody else is going to take it
Is it something that I ought to take
In order just to stay competitive
like when everybody switched
to a tennis racket with a really big head
Suddenly the great Bjorn Borg
Wasn't only beatable but wasn't much better
Than most American men
Than most American men

Like most American men
I think about sports a lot
It's the one time I can get close
To a lot of really good friends of mine
And talk and yell and slap hands
And say stuff like "Sammy you're the man I love you"

And we pore over scores and statistics
Like medieval biblical scholars
And I can go into a bar
And start watching some kind of game
And I can start talking to a black guy
Or a Mexican or a Japanese
And we're laughing and slamming and crying
All because of Michael Jordan
Cause then I wish I could fly
Like most American men
Like most American men



Like most American men
I don't know what to do about Japan
Or what to do with Somalia
Or where Somalia is
Or for that matter where is Rhode Island
My morals are mostly determined
By whomever I'm sleeping with
Like most American men
Like most American men

Like most American men
I don't know how much money is enough
Sometimes I think I've got enough
Other times I think enough
Is a little bit more than I got
And if I had a little more dough
Maybe I'd care more about the world
Because I'd had a bigger stake in the game
Maybe I'd think e about politics
If I really had something to protect
I tell you if I had a little more dough
I'd do really good with the ladies
I'd take em out and treat them really nice
And I'd look really good when I do
and I know we'd travel in style
and I'd take them to my really fine pad
with a fridge and a really big bed
and we'd lie there smoking cigarettes
Eating candy and watching Jerry Springer
And that's not so much to want,
Like most American men

Like most American men
I'd change my whole life if I could
I'd live in a really big house
And I'd travel with really fast crowd
Hang around really big women
Play tennis with Drew Barrymore
And if I could change everything
Who'd know what would happen
Maybe after a couple of months
My whole life would start to look
A whole lot like it does now
Kind of boring but kind of funny
Like most American men
Like most American boys